The importance of feeling.

I could imagine the poem below would have most people confused. The emotions expressed aren't joyous and certainly wouldnt be something a Christian would typically write. Before I continue I would like to make sure you know the poem is not about God but about particular experiences that have created the darkest side of me. The You is both a person and a personification of the darkness of them. It's the darkness inside of us that breeds darkness in others and vice versa.

There is freedom in the expression of true feeling. The only thing dangerous about anger is what you do with it, and how long you stay there in a place of anger. Feeling it is right and good, because anger can create a desire for change. To be alive we must feel all the emotions we need to, and let them go.
Or risk being numb.

We must weep.
We must laugh.
We must be angered.
We must feel our brokenness.





On excerpt from
Psalm 69 of David

¹ Save me, O God,
   for the waters have come up to my neck.
² I sink in the miry depths,
   where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
   the floods engulf me.
³ I am worn out calling for help;
   my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
   looking for my God.
⁴ Those who hate me without reason
   outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
   those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
   what I did not steal.

 ⁵ You, God, know my folly;
   my guilt is not hidden from you...."

Read the rest of the Psalm Here.

Derivative.

If you are the sea
Then I am a sailor.

Sinking.
Breathless.
Slowly.
Your black bed my journeys end.

If you are the sun
Then I am a flower.

Dried.
Scorched.
My roots to starved and weak.


If you are the winning hand.
Then I am the addicted gambler.

Now encouraged
 with greater urgency
To destroy myself.


If you are a hope
Then I am hopeful.

But to no avail.

For although I have you
you are a hope that bears no fruit
A wasted wish.
A rotting dream.

But for all my fighting....
you are still the hand that was dealt me.

A nice beautiful man

I was asked today if I was seeing someone.
Caught slightly off guard I merely shook my head and waited for an explanation.
"A friend of mine is looking to hook-up with someone. He's beautiful."

I smiled and laughed as my co-worker went on to explain her handsome friend.

My stomach dropped as she walked away.

I decided to stop dating at the ripe old age of 17. After several pointless high school relationships had left me less than fulfilled I said "Heck with that." and took a time out on love.
And here I sit at 21, looking over the vast sea that is the 5 years between then and now.

There have been moments, especially recent ones where I have thought I could be ready to date again. Not that I have anyone in mind, but being a young woman means by default I'm still looking.
But when presented with merely the idea of beautiful bachelor #1, my stomach turned
That means something.

I've wanted to be shallow since I was a teenager. Really.
Shallow people are never alone because they're never too picky about who they're with. To them love seems as easy to find as a costumed child on Halloween. Nothing seems to difficult in that lifestyle.

But me, I'm perpetually stuck here, the November 1st of ghost-less searching.
And that has to be ok. I can't date bachelor #1, because if his only quality is beauty... I'd be so bored.


The Ideal, MY Ideal, is out there.
Settling for less would be shallow, because settling for less than love leaves you ankle deep in passion.

Thats useless when you're designed to need an ocean.


I want more than "a nice guy", and God's told me I deserve it.