“So enormous, so dreadful, so irremediable did the Trade's wickedness appear that my own mind was completely made up for Abolition. Let the consequences be what they would, I from this time determined that I would never rest until I had effected its abolition.”
William Wilberforce
Below is a link to an amazing video that broke me as I haven't been broken in a long time.
It is a documentary on the global sex trade focusing on several personal stories in Moldova and Turkey.
http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/sex-slaves/
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The importance of feeling.
I could imagine the poem below would have most people confused. The emotions expressed aren't joyous and certainly wouldnt be something a Christian would typically write. Before I continue I would like to make sure you know the poem is not about God but about particular experiences that have created the darkest side of me. The You is both a person and a personification of the darkness of them. It's the darkness inside of us that breeds darkness in others and vice versa.
There is freedom in the expression of true feeling. The only thing dangerous about anger is what you do with it, and how long you stay there in a place of anger. Feeling it is right and good, because anger can create a desire for change. To be alive we must feel all the emotions we need to, and let them go.
Or risk being numb.
We must weep.
We must laugh.
We must be angered.
We must feel our brokenness.
On excerpt from
Psalm 69 of David
There is freedom in the expression of true feeling. The only thing dangerous about anger is what you do with it, and how long you stay there in a place of anger. Feeling it is right and good, because anger can create a desire for change. To be alive we must feel all the emotions we need to, and let them go.
Or risk being numb.
We must weep.
We must laugh.
We must be angered.
We must feel our brokenness.
On excerpt from
Psalm 69 of David
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5 You, God, know my folly;
my guilt is not hidden from you...."
my guilt is not hidden from you...."
Read the rest of the Psalm Here.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Derivative.
If you are the sea
Then I am a sailor.
Sinking.
Breathless.
Slowly.
Your black bed my journeys end.
If you are the sun
Then I am a flower.
Dried.
Scorched.
My roots to starved and weak.
If you are the winning hand.
Then I am the addicted gambler.
Now encouraged
with greater urgency
To destroy myself.
If you are a hope
Then I am hopeful.
But to no avail.
For although I have you
you are a hope that bears no fruit
A wasted wish.
A rotting dream.
But for all my fighting....
you are still the hand that was dealt me.
Then I am a sailor.
Sinking.
Breathless.
Slowly.
Your black bed my journeys end.
If you are the sun
Then I am a flower.
Dried.
Scorched.
My roots to starved and weak.
If you are the winning hand.
Then I am the addicted gambler.
Now encouraged
with greater urgency
To destroy myself.
If you are a hope
Then I am hopeful.
But to no avail.
For although I have you
you are a hope that bears no fruit
A wasted wish.
A rotting dream.
But for all my fighting....
you are still the hand that was dealt me.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A nice beautiful man
I was asked today if I was seeing someone.
Caught slightly off guard I merely shook my head and waited for an explanation.
"A friend of mine is looking to hook-up with someone. He's beautiful."
I smiled and laughed as my co-worker went on to explain her handsome friend.
My stomach dropped as she walked away.
I decided to stop dating at the ripe old age of 17. After several pointless high school relationships had left me less than fulfilled I said "Heck with that." and took a time out on love.
And here I sit at 21, looking over the vast sea that is the 5 years between then and now.
There have been moments, especially recent ones where I have thought I could be ready to date again. Not that I have anyone in mind, but being a young woman means by default I'm still looking.
But when presented with merely the idea of beautiful bachelor #1, my stomach turned
That means something.
I've wanted to be shallow since I was a teenager. Really.
Shallow people are never alone because they're never too picky about who they're with. To them love seems as easy to find as a costumed child on Halloween. Nothing seems to difficult in that lifestyle.
But me, I'm perpetually stuck here, the November 1st of ghost-less searching.
And that has to be ok. I can't date bachelor #1, because if his only quality is beauty... I'd be so bored.
The Ideal, MY Ideal, is out there.
Settling for less would be shallow, because settling for less than love leaves you ankle deep in passion.
Thats useless when you're designed to need an ocean.
I want more than "a nice guy", and God's told me I deserve it.
Caught slightly off guard I merely shook my head and waited for an explanation.
"A friend of mine is looking to hook-up with someone. He's beautiful."
I smiled and laughed as my co-worker went on to explain her handsome friend.
My stomach dropped as she walked away.
I decided to stop dating at the ripe old age of 17. After several pointless high school relationships had left me less than fulfilled I said "Heck with that." and took a time out on love.
And here I sit at 21, looking over the vast sea that is the 5 years between then and now.
There have been moments, especially recent ones where I have thought I could be ready to date again. Not that I have anyone in mind, but being a young woman means by default I'm still looking.
But when presented with merely the idea of beautiful bachelor #1, my stomach turned
That means something.
I've wanted to be shallow since I was a teenager. Really.
Shallow people are never alone because they're never too picky about who they're with. To them love seems as easy to find as a costumed child on Halloween. Nothing seems to difficult in that lifestyle.
But me, I'm perpetually stuck here, the November 1st of ghost-less searching.
And that has to be ok. I can't date bachelor #1, because if his only quality is beauty... I'd be so bored.
The Ideal, MY Ideal, is out there.
Settling for less would be shallow, because settling for less than love leaves you ankle deep in passion.
Thats useless when you're designed to need an ocean.
I want more than "a nice guy", and God's told me I deserve it.
Monday, May 30, 2011
All men should strive
All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Beautiful Things
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The big FAT issue.
I've struggled with my weight for the last 3 1/2 years.
Oh well, hasn't every single women of my generation.
I would normally be ashamed to admit I struggle with such an issue of vanity.. until I realized why it is an issue.
The thing that bothers me is not so much the weight itself..
its the fact of where I am
and where I could be
and what is keeping me there.
Aphorism #2
Nearly everything is attainable.
I ran cross country for a few years back in high school. I was an average runner. I can tell you almost every race I ever lost was a decision I made. When it came to the last 100m I decided whether I would win or loose.
The one holding the trophy at the end was truly the one with the most determination. They were the one with the goal directly in site during the entire race. They decided (and there decision was stronger than any other) to win.
It was of course more than one decision made at one race but one made over every practice. One repeated in there mind as they put in weekend miles.
The struggle with my weight isn't so much about the weight itself.
But WHY its there that bothers me so much.
It shows me how weak my mentality really is. This lack of inner strength is something that frightens me. How can I "run the race" as Paul suggested if my strength quickly gives out?
Lord, I just ask that you not only continue to teach me inner strength daily through you, you make it something that begins to ingrain itself in me so very deeply. Lord teach me self control and the ability to deny myself of my own desires and really run the race with the mind set as to win. I dont want to get almost through your plans for me and quit. I can see the faults of my flesh and it scares me to think they could keep me from the works you have set out for me. Let me conquer myself.
For your glory Lord.
Oh well, hasn't every single women of my generation.
I would normally be ashamed to admit I struggle with such an issue of vanity.. until I realized why it is an issue.
The thing that bothers me is not so much the weight itself..
its the fact of where I am
and where I could be
and what is keeping me there.
Aphorism #2
Nearly everything is attainable.
I ran cross country for a few years back in high school. I was an average runner. I can tell you almost every race I ever lost was a decision I made. When it came to the last 100m I decided whether I would win or loose.
The one holding the trophy at the end was truly the one with the most determination. They were the one with the goal directly in site during the entire race. They decided (and there decision was stronger than any other) to win.
It was of course more than one decision made at one race but one made over every practice. One repeated in there mind as they put in weekend miles.
The struggle with my weight isn't so much about the weight itself.
But WHY its there that bothers me so much.
It shows me how weak my mentality really is. This lack of inner strength is something that frightens me. How can I "run the race" as Paul suggested if my strength quickly gives out?
Lord, I just ask that you not only continue to teach me inner strength daily through you, you make it something that begins to ingrain itself in me so very deeply. Lord teach me self control and the ability to deny myself of my own desires and really run the race with the mind set as to win. I dont want to get almost through your plans for me and quit. I can see the faults of my flesh and it scares me to think they could keep me from the works you have set out for me. Let me conquer myself.
For your glory Lord.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Diet for the soul
Fact: You learn your true willpower when you deny yourself something your body craves.
Food.
I have been doing this certain diet for the past two weeks to deal with some physical issues I have had since I was 15. In the hopes that by the end of this I will feel better I have put myself through two weeks of difficulty and hunger. I CANNOT eat: Anything with yeast or sugar.. so there goes all your grains and sweets. I can't eat fruit or high starch veggies such as potatoes or carrots. No dairy with the exception of the occasional plain unsweetened yogurt. Nothing processed.. pretty much nothing with any carbs in it.. at all.
That leaves me.....
Hungry.
My diet is pretty much veggies and meat and very hard.
I have started to realize how little willpower I really have. How easy it is for me to start entertaining thoughts of other foods! :( I wish the desires of my flesh were easily ignored but they scream at me. They are all to audible even with a parade three years olds calling my name.
It interesting how my cravings have changed, instead of insisting I be aloud a chocolate or a piece of cake I find myself cheating with a spoon full of peanut butter and a bag of baby carrots.
See the diet works like this.
NO CHEATING.
If I cheat its back to square one.
It makes me think of how we so quickly cheat ourselves out of whats good for us by reaching for what we want in the moment. Sure a spoon full of peanut butter may make me feel good while I'm eating it. But what about a lifetime (or even a year) symptom free from my condition?
So many easy concepts found right here... that display themselves across my whole life.
If my willpower is weak against my own flesh and desires? What about when the desires of the world press themselves against me?
We must fight even in the small things.
For really isn't every battle still part of the war?
Food.
I have been doing this certain diet for the past two weeks to deal with some physical issues I have had since I was 15. In the hopes that by the end of this I will feel better I have put myself through two weeks of difficulty and hunger. I CANNOT eat: Anything with yeast or sugar.. so there goes all your grains and sweets. I can't eat fruit or high starch veggies such as potatoes or carrots. No dairy with the exception of the occasional plain unsweetened yogurt. Nothing processed.. pretty much nothing with any carbs in it.. at all.
That leaves me.....
Hungry.
My diet is pretty much veggies and meat and very hard.
I have started to realize how little willpower I really have. How easy it is for me to start entertaining thoughts of other foods! :( I wish the desires of my flesh were easily ignored but they scream at me. They are all to audible even with a parade three years olds calling my name.
It interesting how my cravings have changed, instead of insisting I be aloud a chocolate or a piece of cake I find myself cheating with a spoon full of peanut butter and a bag of baby carrots.
See the diet works like this.
NO CHEATING.
If I cheat its back to square one.
It makes me think of how we so quickly cheat ourselves out of whats good for us by reaching for what we want in the moment. Sure a spoon full of peanut butter may make me feel good while I'm eating it. But what about a lifetime (or even a year) symptom free from my condition?
So many easy concepts found right here... that display themselves across my whole life.
If my willpower is weak against my own flesh and desires? What about when the desires of the world press themselves against me?
We must fight even in the small things.
For really isn't every battle still part of the war?
Friday, March 25, 2011
My first job in 742 days
It's crazy to imagine it been that long since I lived a normal life.
Working a normal job.
Paying bills.
Living in America.
While I still don't have a vehicle I started working at a daycare just three miles from my home, which is great because I can bike there. Its also amazing because nothing is three miles from my home. Literally.
:)
The daycare is great, I have my own classroom full of three year olds to occupy my time. All the kids call me Miss Leilah and give me hugs whenever they can.
They also can run around like crazed toddlers on a sugar rush.
I have around 10 three years olds most days... and they are mostly all boys, which means I am getting pretty good at breaking up fights between small humans.
I am really happy. I finally feel like I'm doing something.
But something is still off.
And I'm working on figuring out what that is.
Working a normal job.
Paying bills.
Living in America.
While I still don't have a vehicle I started working at a daycare just three miles from my home, which is great because I can bike there. Its also amazing because nothing is three miles from my home. Literally.
:)
The daycare is great, I have my own classroom full of three year olds to occupy my time. All the kids call me Miss Leilah and give me hugs whenever they can.
They also can run around like crazed toddlers on a sugar rush.
I have around 10 three years olds most days... and they are mostly all boys, which means I am getting pretty good at breaking up fights between small humans.
I am really happy. I finally feel like I'm doing something.
But something is still off.
And I'm working on figuring out what that is.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Persian Melon
When I was living in Azerbaijan I made a list of things I wanted to do when I got home.
It included things like: Get a hair cut, get a facial, get a manicure... ect.
You have to understand this was my ninth month of traveling and you start to feel half human around that point. I felt so worn that all I wanted to do was scrap my face off and start over fresh.
It's just that... a fresh start.
Thats where Persian Melon comes in.
Persian melon.
Thats the shade of lipstick I found in my grandma Gails drawer. It was the first time I had been to her home since she past away... over a year later. It made me laugh to see such a shade of pink. I think I took it because it smelled like her, I find myself holding on in funny ways.
Persian Melon...
What does that even mean? :)
I finally got a job, it's at a daycare working with 3 year olds.
In celebration I decided to buy a lipstick. I haven't bought makeup in almost 4 years, when you live like I do you dont really have money for those little things.
I ended up at the Revlon rack.. 72 colors to choose from.
And I saw that green tube with a gold band around the middle.
Sure enough
Persian Melon
So I bought it.
Im ready for a fresh start, and in my own girly way I'm trying to show it with something as small as a lipstick.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tried to take photos today
And I quickly realized its the end of winter in Sunman.
I walked for over two hours and came back with nothing more than aggravation. It's not exactly the best recipe for someone already starving for motivation.
I just wanted one shot.
No car.
No Job.
Live in the middle of nowhere.
More than broke.
No motivation.
Waining passion.
This is too ridiculous to be a coincidence.
God has crippled me, and I know he didn't just do it so I'll be really happy when it finally works out for me.
I wanna do more than just make it through this time.
He has to want more for me than that.
I walked for over two hours and came back with nothing more than aggravation. It's not exactly the best recipe for someone already starving for motivation.
I just wanted one shot.
No car.
No Job.
Live in the middle of nowhere.
More than broke.
No motivation.
Waining passion.
This is too ridiculous to be a coincidence.
God has crippled me, and I know he didn't just do it so I'll be really happy when it finally works out for me.
I wanna do more than just make it through this time.
He has to want more for me than that.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Sometimes I wonder
What the heck are you doing here God?
Who am I kidding...
Thats what I'm always wondering.
Its a surprise.
And the surprise is always better than my own theories.
Who am I kidding...
Thats what I'm always wondering.
Its a surprise.
And the surprise is always better than my own theories.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Everything on my mind.
Thats what my blog will consist of.
I tend to write only when something quite moving has happened or when I have some cool pictures to upload...but now I'm home.
And due to the fact I can't seem to find a job with any company anywhere I have started to slip into this lethargic depressed state of complete boredom in which I do NOTHING.
To help keep myself sane, I know I need to start writing...even though I have nothing to write about.
So from here on out, this is going to be a place where I write my thoughts... moving or not... because I need to make myself think. If all goes well this will make me want to take pictures :)
Enjoy....or don't!
I tend to write only when something quite moving has happened or when I have some cool pictures to upload...but now I'm home.
And due to the fact I can't seem to find a job with any company anywhere I have started to slip into this lethargic depressed state of complete boredom in which I do NOTHING.
To help keep myself sane, I know I need to start writing...even though I have nothing to write about.
So from here on out, this is going to be a place where I write my thoughts... moving or not... because I need to make myself think. If all goes well this will make me want to take pictures :)
Enjoy....or don't!
Monday, February 7, 2011
I once spent 3 months across the world... just traveling and reading the Bible...
And I feel like I'm remembering these days like an old woman would.
I read Philippians last night.
Its the first time I've read my Bible in awhile, I hate to admit it.
Maybe I was suffering an overdose and have been in recovery since.
It's interesting now reading a book in the Bible and remembering where I was when I read it last.
Last time I read Philippians it was 1 or 2 in the morning, my team and I had been stuck on the Greek Island of Samos for the entire day. Now we were waiting for our ferry to take us to Athens... It was late by 5 hours.
With this time on our hands and the entire Bible to be read in a matter of weeks we took the opportunity to read Philippians and Colossians out loud in groups of four. Midnight reading in Greece.
After we finished reading I took my sleeping bag and with another girl made my way back toward the ocean, there were a few benches along a wall beside the sea. I laid my sleeping bag on one of the benches and curled up, just listening to the ocean. I wrote in my journal that night-
"It's like a dream. Perfect. I'm starting to see that God sometimes just wants to give us gifts, just because he loves us. He gave us Samos and a beautiful sunset. These are moments we couldn't even ask for. He gives them freely."
I think another gift He gives us is memory,
and how things grow sweeter over time.
I read Philippians last night.
Its the first time I've read my Bible in awhile, I hate to admit it.
Maybe I was suffering an overdose and have been in recovery since.
It's interesting now reading a book in the Bible and remembering where I was when I read it last.
Last time I read Philippians it was 1 or 2 in the morning, my team and I had been stuck on the Greek Island of Samos for the entire day. Now we were waiting for our ferry to take us to Athens... It was late by 5 hours.
With this time on our hands and the entire Bible to be read in a matter of weeks we took the opportunity to read Philippians and Colossians out loud in groups of four. Midnight reading in Greece.
After we finished reading I took my sleeping bag and with another girl made my way back toward the ocean, there were a few benches along a wall beside the sea. I laid my sleeping bag on one of the benches and curled up, just listening to the ocean. I wrote in my journal that night-
"It's like a dream. Perfect. I'm starting to see that God sometimes just wants to give us gifts, just because he loves us. He gave us Samos and a beautiful sunset. These are moments we couldn't even ask for. He gives them freely."
I think another gift He gives us is memory,
and how things grow sweeter over time.
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