Let what we perceive as foolishness bring joy to You.

What I do from here on out,

I do simply because it pleases you

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,

"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles,but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God,righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

-Paul in his Letter to the church of Ephesus (Ephesians 1:18-31)

The process of killing yourself

I've met a lot of people in my life who hate the smell of fire on there clothes.

For me it's a sense of comfort, especially when the smallest hint of the warmness the fire brought remains.

But tonight, as I sit in my room the faint warmness still lingering and the smell of burning wood through and through my hair. The comfort seems shallow. Not even touching the turning of my stomach. The uneasiness that no smell of smoke or cup of green tea could ever drive away. But more odd than it's unwillingness to leave is this feeling it brought with it.

This feeling like I'm right where God wants me. Right here at the point of breaking.

He has pushed me to the very edge, im holding back tears most moments. Feeling very thin, very tired. I've completely ran out of my own strength. Like He is intentionally pushing me to were I can no longer stand just so I can see how He will strengthen the very feet beneath me.

He is training my hands for battle

Training my hands for war.

"...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11-13)

I feel like someone died.

That empty hollowness when you cant even begin to realize the devastation your life has just gone through. Things will never be the same because the one you love is gone, you have to learn to live again.

I feel like someone died.

I'm hoping someone did.

Me.

"He must increase and I must decrease." (John 3:30)

"I too go up to Jerusalem"

Wrapping my head around the things I feel God is leading me towards leaves me dizzy.

There is no resolve.

No final answer to the resounding question passing through my mind in circles.

Like a lonely unclaimed bag that keeps slowly moving along the carousel.

The question "Why this Lord?" followed by the smaller "Why now?" move along that slow silver track.

Coming back again unclaimed, unanswered.

Justifying the "stupid" (by our worldly eye we may call it so) things God has told me to do seems like trying to explain to people on a metro why you are sitting on a pony whose hair is in pink little braids. No matter how much you talk about the happiness this pony is going to bring when you get where your going, you have no business bringing a pony on a metro. They may smile and nod... but you're still crazy. This difference between the pony situation and mine is that I know this is where God is leading (granted after God had Jeremiah burying loin clothes in the desert I would not be surprise by the pony thing one bit). I know this is the right walk.. but I feel no one would believe me if I tried. My heart yearns for support and encouragement that I know I won't get. I will be met with a hollow "Oh that's great." My selfish pride cant handle that.

I was struggling once again with the way my life is not visibly going in the direction I THINK it should. "I want to work with children God.. so I should be running street programs with abused kids in Brazil right?" But my Gods vision is so much clearer than my own. His direction is in the end the ONLY one. That's when I read this in my devotional:

"In our natural life our ambitions change as we grow, but in the Christian life the goal is given at the very beginning, and the beginning and the end are exactly the same, namely, our Lord Himself. We start with Christ and we end with Him?”. . . till we all come . . . to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ . . .” (Ephesians 4:13), not simply to our own idea of what the Christian life should be. The goal of the missionary is to do God’s will, not to be useful or to win the lost. A missionary is useful and he does win the lost, but that is not his goal. His goal is to do the will of his Lord."

In our Lord’s life, Jerusalem was the place where He reached the culmination of His Father’s will upon the cross, and unless we go there with Jesus we will have no friendship or fellowship with Him. Nothing ever diverted our Lord on His way to Jerusalem. He never hurried through certain villages where He was persecuted, or lingered in others where He was blessed. Neither gratitude nor ingratitude turned our Lord even the slightest degree away from His purpose to go “up to Jerusalem.”

“A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master” (Matthew 10:24). In other words, the same things that happened to our Lord will happen to us on our way to our “Jerusalem.” There will be works of God exhibited through us, people will get blessed, and one or two will show gratitude while the rest will show total ingratitude, but nothing must divert us from going “up to [our] Jerusalem.”

“. . . there they crucified Him . . .” (Luke 23:33). That is what happened when our Lord reached Jerusalem, and that event is the doorway to our salvation. The saints, however, do not end in crucifixion; by the Lord’s grace they end in glory. In the meantime our watchword should be summed up by each of us saying, “I too go ’up to Jerusalem.’ "

-'My Utmost For His Highest' by Oswald Chambers