The process of killing yourself

I've met a lot of people in my life who hate the smell of fire on there clothes.

For me it's a sense of comfort, especially when the smallest hint of the warmness the fire brought remains.

But tonight, as I sit in my room the faint warmness still lingering and the smell of burning wood through and through my hair. The comfort seems shallow. Not even touching the turning of my stomach. The uneasiness that no smell of smoke or cup of green tea could ever drive away. But more odd than it's unwillingness to leave is this feeling it brought with it.

This feeling like I'm right where God wants me. Right here at the point of breaking.

He has pushed me to the very edge, im holding back tears most moments. Feeling very thin, very tired. I've completely ran out of my own strength. Like He is intentionally pushing me to were I can no longer stand just so I can see how He will strengthen the very feet beneath me.

He is training my hands for battle

Training my hands for war.

"...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11-13)

I feel like someone died.

That empty hollowness when you cant even begin to realize the devastation your life has just gone through. Things will never be the same because the one you love is gone, you have to learn to live again.

I feel like someone died.

I'm hoping someone did.

Me.

"He must increase and I must decrease." (John 3:30)